Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
