Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
