some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
where are my eyebrows?
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