I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
