I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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