I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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