My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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