you traded sex for a burrito?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
