I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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