Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
