I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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