I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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