when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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