Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
