my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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