Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
