walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
