put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
