So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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