there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
