Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
This toilet bowl is my home.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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