I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
