I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
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I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
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He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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