I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
