They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
tell me about the fingering
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