i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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