I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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