My pussy is not your playground.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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