My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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