omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
