he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
