There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
