and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
