Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
