nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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