i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Can you bring me the toilet please
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
