I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
