How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
