just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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