i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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