i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
