Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
