You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
