I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Did you just see the Batmobile???
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
