everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
it's like iHOP with fire
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
