Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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