Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
