so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
