hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
i need some magic done to my vagina
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
