I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Randomize
