he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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