I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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