had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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