Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Be still, my beating vagina.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
