I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
