Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm always down for nudity.
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