haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
