Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Randomize
