you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
high people should be assigned attendants
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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