that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
