Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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