I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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