I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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