HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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