When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
