hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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